I love being by myself. It is not just an enjoyment, it is a necessity. I become frustrated and annoyed when I am around people for too long. My soul calls me to solitude, that place where the entire universe rolls at my feet. I am more clear thinking, more creative, more aligned, more in tune with nature. I do not understand when someone says they hate to be alone. They say they do not like to be lonely. Alone, is not Lonely. It’s most likely that you just don’t like yourself and that can only be true if you have not yet realized your soul, you may have not actually met yourself yet. For when you do, you could never say that you hate to be alone. I once knew a girl who, when she found herself alone, she turned on every single light in her house. She said she was scared to be alone and that darkness, nighttime, made it worse. She really did turn on every light and even then, she could not be in the house, she went and sat on the front porch so she could watch cars drive by, anything to distract herself from just being alone with her thoughts….
That’s what it is you know. The distractions. Everything that seems normal to others are distractions to me. I dislike the mall, and small talk, and holidays, well, I do like Christmas trees only I think that is because of the way they light up the house in the evening. And to be honest, although I love people, I don’t really like them. The stories and belief systems and “problems” and blah blah blah, (so exhausting). I am finding I have little patience with other human beings. Everyone wants some big change in their life but they don’t want to do shit about it. I’ve stepped back completely from “helping others”. People need to help themselves. I do not reach out anymore, but, if someone reaches for me, I will stop the world and get off for them because nothing makes me happier than seeing someone who is truly ready to make changes and they take responsibility. I do have a lot of tools in my metaphysical toolbox. It usually happens when they are experiencing suffering though.
When I was in England, at least 18 months before my breakup with Paul is when I began to be in love with being alone. I became so absolutely at peace with spending time with just me. Oh, the relationship with yourself is the most important thing! The very strong and clear relationship I had with Me is how nothing can phase me anymore. I look back on that day when I went to Heathrow airport with my daughter and we both had two suitcases. That’s it..whatever I could fit into two suitcases is what I was taking with me from that life. I hardly had any money and right before I went through security to board the plane, I reached into my wallet and handed Paul the debit card from our joint banking account. I wanted absolutely nothing from him. I felt so vulnerable and uncertain and yet the whole time I was asking for signs, and they always appeared, again and again. I knew I was on the right path and yet all of this certainty came from within my own mind. Nobody else could see or understand the dialogues that were taking place between me and what I want to call my higher self. I continued to follow my intuition. Then, I remember looking back from the last corner I would turn and I saw Paul one last time, he looked kind of sad. I looked forward once more, grabbed my daughter’s hand and we walked away. I had this little girl with me and her whole life changed too because her mother was following her heart. I regret nothing.
We were alone, but we were not lonely. In fact, I felt surrounded by angels and beings, they guided us the whole way. It was effortless. And here I am a year and half later from that day with only one real need in any given day. Still; Moments spent alone. It’s my source of strength. It reminds me that I am all that I need. The quality of the things I want and desire in my life comes from this constant connection with myself. If I lie to myself, the relationships in my life will cause me pain. The amazing relationship I have with Rob is because we both know we don’t need each other. But, we sure do enjoy each other’s company. We joke sometimes. When he gets home from his office and sometimes in the morning right when we wake up, we’ll look at each other and say “Oh, you are still here!” or “Oh, you came back!”…….. then we smile, a knowing smile that hints to the message….This is all a choice. Your whole life is.
